Breaking up with a boyfriend can be difficult terrain to navigate. Over the past few years, I have had my share of relationships which could be considered less than desirable by almost any standard. Although it is preferable to find a loving relationship in which you can bare staying, chances are you will need to break ties with a significant other at some point. Should you find yourself in this predicament, here is the play-by-play of what you can expect on your path to emancipation.
In order for the breakup to occur, there must be an escalation of emotions. First, you will have what is typically referred to as “The Honeymoon Phase”. During this phase, you will float around on a cloud of euphoric bliss and profess your undying love for one another. This is also the period of time when the two of you will be completely inseparable, except, of course, for when he goes out to buy flowers, chocolates, and jewelry to surprise you with.
The Honeymoon Phase typically fades as soon as he recognizes that he has you hooked. You will know when this happens because instead of flowers, chocolates and jewelry, he will come home with beer, an Xbox, and a group of loud, sweaty, and increasingly hungry guy friends. In response to this behavior, you will remember that you have girlfriends and begin having what is called “girl time”, which roughly translates to you and your female friends sitting around complaining about your boyfriends while drinking coffee or painting each others nails. You will begin to wonder if the two of you are drifting apart.
Then there will be arguments. First, you will argue about who should do the dishes. Then, you will argue about his parents, then your parents, and then his parents again. Next, you will argue about Valentine's Day, and lastly, you will argue about the remote control, and break up.
Once you have officially broken up, you'll be ready for the second phase which is “The Renewal”. After you have packed all of his things in a box, left it on his porch, and ceremoniously cut him out of any photos you may have of the two of you, you will feel a great sense of freedom and anticipation. You'll realize that you were too good for him all along, just as your girlfriends had been telling you for months. You will immediately go out and buy a whole new wardrobe of extremely attractive clothes, and it will become your mission to make your new ex-boyfriend as jealous as possible. You'll watch Oprah and various sappy romance movies whenever you please. You will most likely find yourself listening to music that makes you feel sexy and empowered, such as Beyonce's “Single Ladies”. You will also begin going to parties and dating casually. Around this period of time, you'll begin planning your new future and reveling in all of the joyous possibilities your new found independence holds. On your way home from one of the parties, you'll receive a drunken phone call from your ex and meet him at his place to “talk”.
This leads us to phase three, “The Reconciliation”. You will talk about how much you've missed each other and how you've both changed for the better. You'll apologize to each other for all of the silly arguments you had and then reaffirm your commitment to one another. There will be an expedited version of The Honeymoon Phase followed by periodic twinges of missing your freedom and independence. You will dismiss those feelings and do your best to focus on the positive. You'll remind yourself that the two of you have changed your ways and that things are much better than they were before.
Although you will do your best to reassure yourself, you will slowly start noticing things that you just can't ignore. He still won't put the toilet seat down, he'll still leave his dirty towels and underwear on the floor, and he'll still make that annoying smacking sound when he chews his food. Slowly, his friends will start coming around again and they will clean out your refrigerator. His Xbox will once again take it's throne in the spot where your flowers used to sit. You will argue about your friends, then his friends, then your friends again. You'll argue about wall décor, money, and your efforts at cooking. Eventually, you will have the biggest argument you've ever had. It will start because you forgot to turn off the headlights, but somehow it'll end up being about how he called your mother “neurotic” two and a half years earlier. You'll continue to argue until neither of you are sure what exactly the argument is about anymore, and then you will, once again, break up.
Next will come “The Listless Phase”. During this phase you will do all of the same things you did in The Renewal, only they won't be anywhere near as exciting. You'll go out to buy new clothes but none of them will appeal to you so you'll settle on a sweatsuit. Oprah and the romance movies will bore you. You'll go out to a party but leave early because you just aren't having any fun. Eventually, you will give up on even trying to go out and be social and you'll sit at home in your sweats and listen to various angry, man-bashing, female musicians, such as Alanis Morissette and Fiona Apple, while eating a pint of ice cream. You will slowly become more and more miserable being alone.
After a time, you will learn to accept the fact that you are single. Then your acceptance will shift to appreciation. You'll suddenly realize that there's a whole new world of opportunities just there for the taking. You will go have lunch alone and enjoy being able to take as much time as you want without feeling rushed by someone who eats twice as fast as you do. You will go see a movie and be relieved that you won't have to argue about where to sit. You'll take a short vacation and realize that you no longer have to compromise on which sites to see. When you get home and climb into bed, you will enjoy having the option to stretch out and take up as much of the blanket as your little heart desires. You'll fall fast asleep with an immense sense of pride in yourself for being so independent, and you will realize that you are actually pretty good at being single. The next day, you'll meet a new guy and repeat all of this from the beginning.
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